My Secret

February 8, 2014

Electricity pulses just underneath my skin, racing from my fingertips to my toes and back again. I tremor. My legs and my arms betray my will to remain motionless; instead they shake uncontrollably. Thoughts of varying lengths and value flash in my mind one after the other. Anxiety creeps behind my eyes and rattles my brain.

I am suffering withdrawl.

Worries taunt me. Tease me. Strings of endless ramblings chant inside my head. Stuttering, stammering I try to overcome them, attempting to be the old me. The good me. I do not want you to know what is really happening to me.

It was my fault. I had accidentally been taking the wrong dose of sleep medication for weeks. When I discovered this, my doctor prescribed a replacement with little concern. I thought my mistake was easily corrected.

But after a week I began to shake. It was minor at first. Just little tappings and rattles. But they became more and more intense over the next few days. With the tremors came fears. Anxiety beyond anything I've ever experienced. Worries about the future, the present, the past. I've even wondered if I was becoming psychotic.

All along, over the last two and a half weeks, I've gone to work. I've fulfilled my responsibilities as a daughter, a mother, a lover, a friend. But secretly I've been suffering. And now I need to tell you I am afraid it won't go away.

My doctor says it is just a reaction. Temporary. It is my body missing that medication. 

But how long will it go on? How long will I tremor? When will I be able to write neatly on the board at school again? When will I be able to focus on just one thought at a time? How long will I drive without seeing the road, instead, seeing only glimpses of "what ifs" flash before my eyes? How much more must I pay for my careless mistake?

When will I be the old me again?

Two Sets of Bars

August 30, 2013

It isn't easy to find the right medication for mental illnesses. Some people try for years to get just the right "cocktail" of meds to work for them. They call their doctors, report the side effects, and try again until they get it right. But they eventually will get it right.

But when you're in prison with a mental illness, the rules change.

When you're in prison with a mental illness, there are certain medications that are not allowed at all. Medications that are easily abused are not permitted. These medications may be what you took before, but that doesn't matter. The rules change when you're in prison.

When you're in prison with a mental illness, you get what they give you when they give it to you. If you complain of side effects, you risk being taken off all meds completely.

When you're in prison with a mental illness, you are visited by psychiatrists once a month if you're lucky. You might get to see a counselor or you might not. Your symptoms might get reported accurately or they might not. You might receive adequate treatment or you might not. The rules change when you're in prison.

When you're in prison with mental illness, there are two sets of bars: the ones that keep you from the world and the ones that keep you from the you you used to be.