I have typed this first sentence more than thirty times.
But instead of deleting it again, I will continue describing what I am experiencing right now. Maybe you have felt this way too.
I feel anxious, incredibly anxious. I am worrying about the little things like the eye doctor appointment I need to reschedule and the weeds in the flower bed that just keep reappearing. And I am worrying about the big things like what job my older son will be able to get when he's released from prison and how I will afford to pay for my younger son to go to college next year. And I am worrying about worrying. And that worries me.
Seriously, it does.
I am unable to focus on any one task for more than a few minutes. Typing this blog post is going to take me all day. And I don't have all day. This summer is zooming by and I haven't got much to show for it. I had big plans for this summer: finish some home projects, start a second book, plan for my upcoming school year...But I'm finding it hard to focus at all.
As the calendar approaches August, the stress increases. I know I have important things to accomplish before I return to school in a few weeks. Right now, though, all I can see is a daunting to-do list and nowhere to begin. Would crawling into a hole and sleeping help at all? Because that is seriously an option right now. It's what I'd like to do, honestly. My logical side knows avoiding the workload is only going to make it worse, but it doesn't seem to matter. This anxiety is crushing me.
How can I be a good mother, a good wife, a good teacher, a good friend, if I feel this way?
After re-reading this post, I am tempted to just delete it all. My ramblings make little sense. But instead of wiping the screen clean and starting over, I will post this as is in hopes that someone else out there has felt this way too.
So I'm avoiding one more thing today: the DELETE key.
For the past year and a half, the words you chose not to delete, are the words that have been spilling from my mouth everyday. I stumbled on this apparently through God. I had a nervous breakdown 9 months ago and am still recovering. Thank you for writing this. I feel as though I have had no one who can relate to what I have been experiencing. Which has made things much harder for me to cope with. It may sound strange, but reading this has actually given me strength. Once again, thank you.
ReplyDeleteSonya V. Mazhar